


rest

by peach_cub



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, M/M, are they dating friends crushing you decide, jooheon wonho kihyun mentioned, no one writes for showhyung so i decided to do it yikes, none of his insecurities are what i think of him, shownu is anxious, someone tell him hes perfect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 00:30:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19366645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peach_cub/pseuds/peach_cub
Summary: Hyunwoo is not usually like this. Sure, he has his insecurities, like anyone else would, but he was always good at keeping them from getting him down. But this time, they weigh down on his chest like an anchor.





	rest

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting around for months bc i hate the first sentence lol but i hope you like it anyway  
> and sorry about any mistakes. i read over this a ton of times and every time i kept finding some mistake but i just gave up and decided to post it anyway

Although his nerves are on the edge and his mind is raising, Hyunwoo opens the door to his shared room slowly. It’s late and he doesn’t want to disturb his roommates if they are in there.

Peeking in, he takes note that Jooheon’s bed is empty but he can see tufts of black hair at the top of Hyungwon’s bed. He takes a deep, shaky breath and enters the room, slowly closing the door behind him.

He puts his bag down, grabs his towel, and enters their on-suite bathroom. He turns on the light after closing the door.

Hyunwoo takes a long shower, allowing himself to stand under the hot water and calm his beating heart. His muscles, which were tight after strenuous dancing and weightlifting, loosen under the heat but his chest remains heavy and tight and his mind continues racing.

He steps out of the shower and slowly dries himself off. Hyunwoo rubbed in his moisturizer slower than he ever had before, looking at himself in the mirror as he did.

This does not helping his racing mind. His thoughts and insecurities only grow louder as he inspects himself.  
Hyunwoo is not usually like this. Sure, he has his insecurities, like anyone else would, but he was always good at keeping them from getting him down. But this time, they weigh down on his chest like an anchor.

His constant battle between having a body like Hyungwon’s or Wonho’s, his wish to perfect his dancing and singing ability, his need to improve so he doesn’t get left behind, his need to open himself up more for variety shows, the pressure of being a good leader to six boisterous boys m and his need to do well for the company, himself, his fans, and, most importantly, his members snuck up on Hyunwoo all at once when he wasn’t paying attention.

If someone were asked where his insecurities had come from, why they decided to be so heavy today, he’d have no answer. His insecurities had been pestering him for a while but he easily shoved them down so he could concentrate on actually achieving his goals without the fear of failure.

Today, like many other days, he had messed up a couple of dance moves, sang some notes badly, a Starship staff member commented on his body and unlike many other days, he was unable to brush any of it off. His insecurities hit him like a tsunami. Suddenly, everything that happened began eating at him no matter how much he tried to brush it all away. His mind began racing nonstop and none of his old calming techniques worked.

As he looks at himself in the mirror, he tries to push away the negative thoughts and think of something positive. But the negativity slips through the cracks and clutches  onto Hyunwoo with a strong grip.

With his towel wrapped around his waist, he turns off the light before stepping out into the bedroom. He looks at Hyungwon’s sleeping figure, which had not moved since he stepped into the bathroom. The only signs of life are the small up and down movement of his chest and the faint sound of Hyungwon’s breathing.

While Hyunwoo puts on his pajamas, he tries put all his focus in Hyungwon’s breathing. He slips into his pants and pauses. He tries matching his breath with Hyungwon’s but finds himself standing there, unsuccessful. His breath is too shaky to control. With a sigh, he puts on his shirt and sits down on the edge of his bed. He buries his face in his hands, letting out yet another heavy sigh.

Hyunwoo tries again and again to shove the negative thoughts out of his mind and replace them with good ones but the negativity stays put.

In an effort to take his mind off of everything, Hyunwoo thinks of his plans for tomorrow. He has to go to singing practice, then go to practice the new choreography, make more mistakes, lunch with- wait no. That’s not right. He tries again. This time, from the very top.

Wake up. Eat. Wash his face. Ignore how he’ll never be as handsome as- No. Again.

Wake up. Eat. Wash his face. Ignore how- No. Get dressed. Go to his vocal classes. Compare his high notes to Ki-, go to dance practice. Try not to mess up again and bring everyone else down- Stop. Again.

Wake up. Eat. Wash his face. Get dressed. Go to his vocal classes. Go to dance practice. Buy lunch for the guys. Wonder why he’s the leader. Why him out of all the members? He’s not commanding or loud and doesn’t have strong presence. The member barely listen to him, always doing their own thing. He’s only the leader because he’s the oldest.

Wait.

No.

That’s not right.

He groans and violently rubs his face. He hears Hyungwon shift in his bed next to him and comes to an abrupt stop. His heart pounds as he turns his head to see if he woke Hyungwon but the sleepy boy lays still.

Hyunwoo takes a moment to Hyungwon. He wants to reach out and pet the tufts of hair that peek out from under the blanket. He wants to wake Hyungwon up and tell him all his worries. Hyungwon always had a magical way of making his worries disappear, even just for one moment, allowing Hyunwoo to sleep calmly. But Hyunwoo doesn’t wake Hyungwon up because that would be selfish. Hyungwon needs his sleep. He has his own worries and problems and Hyunwoo didn’t want to bother him with his own problems. That would be selfish. A good leader isn’t selfish, Hyunwoo tells himself.

Hyunwoo looks away from Hyungwon and rubs his face one last time. He lays down on his back, putting his hand behind his head, and closes his eyes. But the moment he does the thoughts begin crawling back. So he tries to force them out with a breathing technique he had learned years ago. He had stopped using it when he began to share a room with Hyungwon, finding that talking with the younger man helped him fall asleep better than anything else ever could, but tonight he’d have to use it again. He couldn’t bother Hyungwon with his problems. He took a deep breath and began counting in his mind, focusing his breath as he did. But as he tries to keep his mind on controlling his breathing, his insecurities and discomfort distract him.

His shoulders felt tense. His hand under his hand was falling asleep. His knees felt loose as if they wouldn’t be able to carry him if he got up. His stomach was in knots and his chest felt heavy like an anchor was pushing him down towards the bed, making it hard to breathe. He takes a deep breath as best he can, despite of the shakiness, and moves his hands to his stomach. He begins to count again but then his back becomes uncomfortable. Hyunwoo shifts to his side, only for his shoulder begins to hurt so he moves to his other side. The same thing happens and Hyunwoo finds himself shifting into different positions. Sweat begins to make his shirt stick to his back and his pants stick to the back of his knees as he gets warmer so he tugs his shirt and pants off, leaving his boxers on. He continues shifting around until he has enough, sitting up with a groan. He brings his knees to his chest then buries his face in his hands again. Hyunwoo takes a deep, heavy breath, trying to focus on his breathing again.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Deep breath in.

“Hyung.”

A hand was suddenly on Hyunwoo’s shoulder, causing Hyunwoo to jump and throw his arms out in surprise. The hand quickly redacts itself before it could get hit, going back to its owner.

“Hyung,” the hand’s owner croaks out again.

Hyunwoo looks up and finds Hyungwon standing next to his bed in a white t-shirt two sizes too big and shorts he probably stole from Hoseok. He holds one hand to his chest as he uses the other to rub his eyes. His hair is an absolute mess and his face is puffy with a crease on his cheek from his pillow.

“Jesus, you scared me, Hyungwon!” Hyunwoo exclaims in a hushed tone. Although they are the only ones in the room, he feels like if he talks too loudly everything will shatter.

Hyunwoo takes a deep breath, letting his legs drop down from where they pressed against his chest.

“Did I wake you?” He asks.

Hyungwon nods, still rubbing his eyes in a childlike manner.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunwoo sighs. 

“Are you having trouble falling asleep, hyung?” Hyungwon asks.

“No, I’m fi-“

“Don’t lie, hyung,” Hyungwon interrupts. “I could hear you tossing and turning this whole time.”

Hyunwoo looks down at his legs. For a moment, he’s unsure what to say. Should he tell Hyungwon everything? Should he let his feelings out like water pouring out of a broken dam or was that selfish? Hyungwon was obviously tired, wouldn’t it be selfish to keep him up with his problems?

“What is it, hyung? You can tell me, it’s ok.”

Hyunwoo meets Hyungwon’s tired eyes. Hyungwon looks down at him with slow blinks. The fatigue in his eyes is clear but it’s mixed with worry. Hyunwoo wants to tell him everything  
and clear his mind but instead, he smiles softly and says; “I just have a lot of things on my mind. Don’t worry about it, go back to sleep.” 

Hyungwon drops his hands down to his sides. Hyunwoo can see the thoughts running through Hyungwon’s mind but can’t read them. “Don’t worry about me,” Hyunwoo repeats. He smiles at Hyungwon before laying on his back with his hand behind his head again. Hyungwon doesn’t move, still watching him.

“Really, Hyungwon. I’ll be okay. Go back to bed.” And with that, Hyunwoo closes his eyes.

Hyunwoo listens for Hyungwon’s movements, hoping to hear him get back in bed, but Hyungwon stays still for a few moments. Guilt begins to seep into him until he hears Hyungwon begin to move.

Then he feels a dip in his mattress. Hyunwoo opens his eyes to find Hyungwon laying down with  him.

“What are you doing?” Hyunwoo whispers.

Hyungwon doesn’t respond as he throws an arm and leg over him, his body half way on top Hyunwoo’s.

“But…” Hyunwoo pauses. “You don’t have to do this. I’m okay.”

Hyungwon doesn’t respond, instead he lays his head on Hyunwoo’s chest with his eyes closed.

“I’m only in my boxers and this bed isn’t very big… Aren’t you uncomfortable?” Hyunwoo asks.

Hyungwon sighs and opens his eyes. “No. Are you?”

Hyunwoo turns his head, meeting Hyungwon’s gaze. Hyungwon is so pretty up close. He’s always pretty but in this moment, his beauty makes the knots in Hyunwoo’s stomach unravel.

“Yes,” Hyunwoo says. “Very.”

Hyungwon lips curl into a sleepy smile, which Hyunwoo returns.

“Do you want to talk about what’s wrong, hyung?” After a pause, Hyungwon continues, “I’m awake now, so you might as well.”

But as Hyunwoo tires to put his thoughts together to finally tell Hyungwon, he can’t put them into words. His insecurities are still present but are pushed to the back of Hyunwoo’s mind as Hyungwon takes over his thoughts. All he can think of is the weight of Hyungwon’s body on his, replacing the weight from before in a comforting way, Hyungwon’s hand softly curling around his side, Hyungwon’s tired eyes looking into his own, his sweet smile, and the scent of familiar shampoo.

In the end, all Hyunwoo can say is, “Did you use my shampoo?”

Hyunwoo feels the vibration of Hyungwon’s chuckle against his chest.

“Is that what was bothering you?” Hyungwon asks.

“No, I-“ Hyunwoo wants to say what’s wrong but nothing comes out. “I don’t know,” he says, defeatedly.

Hyungwon watches him silently, reading his face. It comforts Hyunwoo while making him feel vulnerable at the same time.

“I just… I can’t put it into words,” Hyunwoo continues when Hyungwon doesn’t respond.

Hyungwon keeps looking at him, scrutinizing him, then slowly close his eyes. Exhaustion is in place of the look from before when he reopens them.

“That’s okay, hyung,” Hyungwon yawns. “We can talk about it some other time. For now, let’s sleep.” As he talks, his words become quieter. Hyunwoo can’t help but smile at how cute Hyungwon is.

“Goodnight, hyung,” Hyungwon says and closes his eyes. He leans his head over and presses a kiss to Hyunwoo’s collarbone then shifts back down with a dreamy sigh.

“Goodnight, Hyungwon,” Hyunwoo says in barely a whisper.

He watches Hyungwon for a moment, taking in this image he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to see again. Then he moves the hand from under his head and strokes Hyungwon’s hair. It’s coarse from all the bleaching and dying but Hyunwoo loves it. A small smile forms on his Hyungwon’s lips along with a low, quiet hum.

“Go to sleep, hyung,” Hyungwon whispers.

Hyunwoo leans over and kisses the crown of his head in response then wraps his arms around him, bringing Hyungwon closer to his chest.  
Hyunwoo closes his eyes. His insecurities still sit in the back of his mind but the image of Hyungwon’s sleep smiley is imprinted on his eyes lids and the feeling of his lips on his collarbone keep the negative thoughts at bay, allowing Hyunwoo to breathe the clearest breath he had breathed all day and fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty let me know what you think!!!!  
> i'm still working on my writing technique so constructive criticism is appreciated :)  
> is it too repetitive or are my descriptions bad??? idk lmk  
> this is my first time writing in present tense i dont think i like it what do yall think
> 
> also i dont tweet much but my twitter is peach_cub if ya wanna give me a follow 
> 
> i'll write more showhyung fics in the future bc barely anyone writes showhyung fics and its a crime  
> i need more showhyung content even if i have to be the one to give it to myself
> 
> also if you're struggling w anything, pls dont struggle quietly. its not selfish to reach out. if you need someone to talk to my dms are always open


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